TOO MUCH DOGGY TESTOSTERONE

From the Chapter "Dog Tales"

Tippy was a small Fice (correctly pronounced “fiest”) dog that belonged to my cousin and his wife.  Tippy was slightly larger than a football, but he had way too much doggy testosterone, and an overdose of Mississippi leg hound in his genes. I took a first-time date that I thought I had a romantic future with over to their house one night for supper.  We were sitting in the den having a cold adult beverage when Tippy came prancing into the room. 

My date was sitting next to me on the sofa with her very fine, good looking legs crossed, swinging her penny loafer up and down.  I and every other male who grew up in rural Georgia firmly believed that a woman swinging her foot like that was engaged in some sort of secret ritual of sexual self-gratification.  That shapely calf swinging up and down had put me into a mild state of arousal, so I didn’t really blame Tippy for what he did next.  In fact, I sort of envied him.   Tippy must have agreed with me about my date’s good looking legs, because without any provocation or warning, he jumped up, nailed that swinging calf, and started doing what dogs do when they jump up on your leg like that. 

My date screamed, stood up, and with a very good imitation of a Yugoslavian field goal kicker, launched Tippy all the way across the room and against the picture window.  Tippy sort of slid down the window, fell to the floor, lay there in a dazed stupor for just a second, got up and shook himself, walked over and gave my date a sneering look, hiked his leg, and relieved himself all over her new penny loafers.  I really don’t remember what we had for supper, or if we even stayed long enough to eat.

I called that honey the next day to arrange another romantic interlude and was told by her mother that she and her fine-looking legs had moved to Texarkana, Texas, and please don’t call her again.  I believed her, and went through a short period of mourning over the loss of those legs.  I saw this homegrown beauty walking around town a little less than a week later, and the thought occurred to me that she didn’t stay in Texas very long.  I didn’t have the nerve to ask her out again, but I sure did miss those magnificent legs.

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