SPEAKING THE KING'S ENGLISH

From the Chapter "The Gospel Truth"

SPEAKING THE KING’S ENGLISH

Everknown is not the only unique word or phrase used by our family group.  It may be that some of these words or phrases described below do not belong exclusively to our family, but we sure used them, and continue to do so. This is our family’s hall of fame of unusual words or phrases, or, as the better educated might say, colloquialisms:

“Sop it out, Sammie” - Said to someone as they clean out a bowl of potatoes, grits, or gravy.  It means, “If you are going to be rude enough to take the rest of the grits, you sumbitch, you might as well sop out the bowl to make dadgum sure you get every last drop to put in your greedy mouth.”

“Hubert Tucker”- “If y’all don’t want this last piece of chicken I am going to put a ‘Hubert Tucker’ on it.”  This means the speaker of these words is going to eat the last piece of chicken on the plate.  The invoker uses the name of Hubert Tucker to make his edacious act appear to be completely innocent.  Our father was the only one in our family who could get away with this. If one of us kids had attempted to “Hubert Tucker” the last pork chop we would have most surely drawn back a nub.

“Curious” - He is evuh-known curious does not describe someone who has a profound sense of curiosity; rather, curious describes someone who is strange, weird, or has a fixation about something.  My uncle had a farmhand named Charlie Sutton who would, as he walked down the road, look back every two or three steps to see if a snake was following him.  He was called Snake Sutton.  Curious would apply to him in at least three ways:  (1) Charlie Sutton is curious; (2) Charlie Sutton acts curious; and (3) Charlie Sutton is sho’ curious about snakes.

My wife and I were recently in California on a business trip and were about to have lunch at a harbor-side restaurant in Newport Beach.  The waitress offered to seat us at a four-person table by a window overlooking the harbor.  The only way both of us could see the harbor was for us to sit side-by-side at the table.  I am real curious about sitting side-by-side with someone while dining, so I politely refused to sit down until somebody volunteered to sit on the other side of the table.  My bride finally shrugged, and went around the table to sit down.  Before she sat down she glared at me and paid me a very high compliment, “Your daddy would sure be proud of you.  You are way more curious than he ever was.”

“Sorry” – This word was not used to describe a person or family who was remorseful, regretted something they had done, and wanted to be forgiven.  It was used to describe somebody who was known to be lowdown, worthless, lazy, dishonest, totally lacking in character, shiftless, and generally not worth killing.  Mr. Cleve was the fifth cousin or something equally as vague to a family in Lee County.  He described them as that “sorry-assed” XXXXXX family. 

“Sumbitch” - Actually, the phrase used to describe someone as the male descendent of a female dog also had other variations such as “Sun dee Beech,” and, “Son-of-a-biscuit-eater.”

“Right smart” – This is a great phrase.  If you say, “We caught a right smart mess of catfish today,” the person you are talking to would wonder: were the catfish smarter and more intelligent than normal or were the catfish unusually attractive or smart looking?  You could also say, “That’s a right smart amount of money you want to borrow.”  You could also eliminate the “smart” part of the phrase, as in “That’s right good chicken, or, “Man, she’s right fat, ain’t she?”

“Straight” – This adjective is a member of the same family as the adjective “right” described above.  It can be used in the context of, “That car is straight fast.”  To make the phrase work, you have to add a verbal emphasis on the word being adjectivized, such as “fast.” 

“Cutting your foot” – Mr. Cleve’s yard had dogs, chickens, guinea hens, birds, and an occasional mule or pig in abundance.  The opportunity to step in something one of these animals left on the ground was also abundant.   Stepping in animal doody was called “cutting your foot.”   

“Cured” – This is not the condition of being healed, or a description of a method of preserving ham.  It is used to describe the situation where an action you have taken, or an event you have experienced has had such a traumatizing effect on you that you have changed your behavior.  For instance:

§   Cutting my foot on chicken stuff “cured” me from going barefoot in the yard.

§   His wife beating him with a framing hammer “cured” him from running around on her.

“Cathead biscuits” – Miz Lula Belle’s homemade biscuits, made with flour, hog lard, and buttermilk, were about the size of a grown cat’s head.  The key ingredient was the hog lard.  There never has been and never will be a better biscuit made anywhere in the world.

“Some of ‘em” – This phrase was used to describe a piece of “rat cheese.”  Rat cheese was different from regular cheese in that in came in a hoop and was wrapped in cheesecloth (what else would it have been wrapped in?).  It was an unusually sharp and delicious cheddar cheese.  The grocer would cut Miz Lula Belle whatever size wedge she asked for.    A test of the quality of the rat cheese was the amount of grease that soaked through the waxed paper wrapping on the way home from the store.  No grease spots on the wrapping meant the rat cheese did not measure up to her usual high standards.  The grocer would hear about the poor quality of the cheese the next time Miz Lula Belle went to town.  The proper use of the phrase is, “Please pass the ‘some-of-‘em’ for my grits.”

“Cow salve” – This phrase describes genuine butter, made in a wooden churn.  For a midmorning snack Miz Lula Belle would fix us a cold cathead biscuit slathered with homemade cow salve with a sprinkle of sugar on top.  Hot dang, summer in the city!

“Short-dogging” – You would be “short-dogging” it if you started using the salt and pepper immediately after someone asked you to pass them, or if, when passed the salt and pepper you used it before forwarding it on to the person asking for the salt and pepper to be passed.  This was considered a very rude thing to do, and could, under the right circumstances, subject you to physical harm.

“Come on out from up under here.” – Mr. Cleve was the sole user of this phrase that he used to call the dogs out from under the house.

“Come out from in here.” – A shorter version of the above phrase, used to make the dogs leave the porch, or the immediate vicinity.

“Don’t let the bear get you.” – The first time I went fishing on Muckalee Creek with Dad and my uncles, I heard them admonish each other as we got close to the creek, “Don’t let the bear get you.”  That almost cured me from going creek fishing, until I learned that it meant, “Don’t get too hot and have a heat or sun stroke.” 

“We swept ‘em” – The reply to the question, “Did y’all catch anything?”  This reply could be used only if you caught a big mess of fish.

“Got off with” – this phrase is used to express embarrassment, shock, or consternation, as in, “It got off with me when I spilled my drink in my date’s lap,” or, “When my date told me to drop dead I was sure got off with.”

“Bad”– Used to express a person’s or a pet’s overwhelming and uncontrollable tendency to engage in a particular act, even when the act is something they know they shouldn’t be doing.  “Zero the dog was bad to run cars,” or, “That whole family is bad to lie.”

“Pitching a fit” – There is a big difference between “pitching” a fit, “throwing” a fit, or just “having” a fit.  A “fit” is an intemperate display of emotions, not necessarily negative.  The negative or bad fits were usually based on some emotion such as anger, jealousy, or just plain “bad-raising.”  Different examples of fits are:

§  The kids are having a fit to go swimming, meaning they really want to go in a bad way.

§   My wife is going to pitch a fit when I come home at three o’clock in the morning from playing golf.  This means your ass is grass and is about to get mowed and edged.

§   They threw a fit when we drove up in our new Lexus.  More likely than not the fit was not one of joy but one of the green-eyed monster called envy.

The Deriso family’s most renowned, one-of-a-kind, Grand Mal fits was thrown during an unforgettable Sunday dinner and family get-together on a cool November afternoon at the home of one of my uncles.  We were all sitting around after dinner under the trees in the back yard when one of the sisters-in-law took strong exception to something somebody said, or something someone was wearing, or whatever, and commenced to pitch and throw, at the same time, an Olympic quality, World Class “conniption fit,” complemented by a pretty damned good “hissy” fit as well. 

The “conniption fit” was the father of all fits, and was to be avoided if possible, as it could result in some fairly significant assault and battery on innocent bystanders.  This fit included mumbling, screaming, hollering, cussing, shouting, stomping around, running back and forth, throwing things, and kicking and gouging who or whatever came into range.  This particular sister-in-law was not going to be denied her time in the limelight.  Her gigantic fit and the volume of her screaming increased in intensity.  Finally, a couple of the brothers, including her husband, filled a #2 foot-tub full with cold water from the pump. 

As soon as they could get close enough they dumped the contents of the foot-tub over her head, hoping to calm her down.  Wrong.  Now, you don’t have to be on the Dean’s list at Georgia Tech to know this was not the smartest thing to do.  Imagine if you will the reaction caused by dumping a bucket of icy water on the head of a one hundred twenty pound, extremely angry bobcat that is jumping around like a Georgia football player hopped up on steroids, now soaking wet with cold water.  I believe this may have been where the “wet T-shirt” contest originated, because her little puppy dog noses were definitely standing at attention.  However, the fire coming out of her nose kept her from getting too cold.

The natural reaction of the bystanders was to start laughing.  Wrong again. The laughter added to the intensity of the fit, and her anger.  She screamed a detailed description of the storm of misery that was about to fall on her husband’s head and body.  I overheard something to the effect that she was going to cut off part of his anatomy and throw it to the hogs.  The group consensus was that it was time to go home and get ready for Sunday evening church. 

I don’t know what happened to my uncle when she got him alone, but I’m glad I wasn’t the one about to be set upon by that Tasmanian devil.  My uncles, and all the kin folks, were real skittish around her after that epic and legendary Sunday afternoon.

SONG OF THE SOUTH

There are pronunciations of certain words you will have to master to have any chance of passing yourself off as a bona fide southerner.  Cairo, Georgia is pronounced “Kay-row,” while Vienna, Georgia is pronounced “Vigh-anna,” and the hamlet of Buena Vista is called “Bū-nah-vist′-ah.”  Houston Street in Atlanta is known as “House-tuhn” street. 

You can easily identify someone who has spent a lot of time on God’s side of the Mason-Dixon Line by the way they use the word, “fix.”  Fix is used in many different ways, for example:

§        She is going to get her hair fixed.

§        We are fixing to go out of town.

§        He stayed out too late and got in a real fix with his wife.

§        Honest honey, I was fixin’ to tell you why I stayed out so late.

§        Who is going to fix supper?

§        Can you fix this radio?

§        The judge really fixed me with a big fine.

§        He had too much Jack Daniels and got really fixed.

§        She got really fixed-up to go out line-dancing.

§        That horse race was obviously fixed.

§        Tbone really hated it when we had him fixed.

Some southern men and practically all southern women use the phrase, “bless his/her heart” to say mean and ugly things about other people that well-mannered and cultured southern ladies and gentlemen would never just say outright.  Southern etiquette allows Southern women to say practically anything about anybody, in public and to their face, as long as they preface their remarks with the ubiquitous “bless her heart.”  Here are some examples of how southern ladies (and gentlemen) get away with ripping someone to shreds, while appearing to be well-bred and genteel:

§          “Y’all look at Melanie; what in God’s name is she wearing?  Bless her heart, she doesn’t have the fashion sense God gave a Billy-goat.  Didn’t her mama raise her to know better than to wear white before Easter?”

§          “Lord help, Esmeralda, do you have the measles?  Oh, bless your heart, it’s just another bad case of acne.”

§          “Bless her little heart; I don’t know how she keeps from breaking a leg, stumbling around drunk half the day like she does.”

§          “Bless your heart Betsy; I suppose everybody starts to gain a lot of weight after they turn fifty.  Oh, is that right?  Well bless my own little heart; I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were only thirty-five.”

§          Where two or more are gathered…..“Poor John, bless his heart; he’s too smitten to know that his trashy-dressing wife is a tramp.”  “Bless her heart, ‘cause she just caint hep it that she has had sex with every man in town except our Baptist preacher.”  “Well, bless his heart then, ‘cause I saw her giving him that ‘come hither’ look during his sermon this morning.  It won’t be too long before her scorecard will be full and he’ll be back selling bibles door-to-door.”

Not only that, but any self-respecting Southerner also knows the proper way to say, “I understand,” or, “I agree:”

§            “You got that right.”

§            “I heard that.”

§            “That’s a big 10-4.”

§            “That’s the straight truth if it’s ever been told.”

§            “Ain’t that the truth?”

§            “That’s fer damn sure.”

Southerners also seem to intrinsically know exactly how much is a “gracious plenty,” how long it takes to “sit a spell,” your arrival time if you “will be there directly,” the distance to “a little piece down the road,” the difference between “up the road” and “down the road,” and the rarity of a “precious few.”  “Alright or all right” is pronounced “ah-ite” using about a syllable and a half.

If you have recently moved to the South (please don’t confuse Atlanta with the South) from somewhere like Rhode Island, then be very careful trying to talk like a true Southerner without any formal training.  To do otherwise might just cause folks down here to view you with even more disdain than normal.

The misuse or mispronunciation, intentional or not, of any of our southern phrases or words might prompt a fairly serious insult to be visited on you: “Y’all ain’t from ‘round heah, are yuh?”  If a southerner says that to you, then just hush your Yankee mouth and find something else to do.  If you persist, you may earn yourself the penultimate southern insult, “How’s yore Mama ‘n ‘nem?”  This phrase can get you shot if you say it to another southerner.  The only worse insult is to be called a “low-down, sorry-assed Yankee,” although to most of us that phrase is rife with redundancy.

There is one final note of caution.  If one of our fine family folk prefaces a statement with, “I’m gonna tell you the truth,” it really means a shred of truth will be wrapped in exaggeration, hyperbole, and downright fabrication.  If they invoke the power of religion to buttress their claim of pure truth with the statement, “I’m gonna tell you the gospel truth,” you should immediately step back out of the way, to avoid getting covered up by the load of bull-dookey that surely is about to come your way.  You’ve been warned.

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